Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
