I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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