Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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