I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
