God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
