my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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