I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
