Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
