Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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