having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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