Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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