I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She just used a chaser for red wine.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
