I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
