I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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