Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
