I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
