I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
