It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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