I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
