There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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