You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
