I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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