I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
