so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
