Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
