I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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