Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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