I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
