A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
