I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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