I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
