if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
