We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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