I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
