Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
pray to the hookup gods
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
