I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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