I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
