I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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