I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
