My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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