Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
