god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
