I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
