Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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