i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
