I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
