I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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