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omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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