If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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