Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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