someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
