I'm sorry my penis didn't work
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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