come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
