So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
